My Hidden Struggle

*Trigger Warning*
This can be a trigger for anyone that is dealing/dealt with depression or has had suicidal thoughts. If you need help or someone to talk to there are many outlets such as the suicide prevention lifeline 1 (800) 273 8255 , you can chat online with someone at remedylive.com or reach out to someone you know and ask for help.
 

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I know my blog is usually filled with yummy recipes and happy posts but this is something I think is important to discuss. Writing it out has been like a therapy to me, and I have been sitting here trying to decide if I should publish it or not. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have tried to write this post, or how many times I wrote it all out to just go back and delete it before I could publish it. I am terrified to open myself fully and I know that there is a possibility for many to look at me in negative light I am hoping that this may help someone that is going through a similar situation. For them to know they are not alone in this.

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For a long time I have dealt with this and it has manifested it's self in many ways throughout my life, from binges of anorexia, cutting, and self sabotage to suicide attempts it has followed me throughout my life. There have been good days and bad, on my good days I'm great and I love life but on my bad days I can't seem to pull myself out of this whirl pool of self hate. An average person would probably be able to get over a situation or feelings fairly easily but for me, things stick with me, and I don't mean criticism or anything, I can take criticism no problem but it's something else, something deeper, it's hard to explain but what I can say is when is start to feel a certain way it is like a dark little seed in the pit of me that gets a little negativity water and that seed sprouts and spreads it's quick growing vines all throughout me slowly suffocating me. The feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anger, and disgust is all that I can think. It's like any sense of joy quickly gets smothered in all the negativity clouding my brain. I don't like people seeing that part of me because my friends and family that know me usually only see the happy go lucky part of me, the positive, life loving mother of two that married her childhood sweet heart and who has it all together and uplifts others. I would hate to disappoint them or worry them by letting them see that ugly part of me. The only person who has witnessed how much it has truly taken a hold of me is my husband. To which I am very grateful and thankful to have him there with me because he has seen me at my absolute lowest and has more than a few times taken the brunt of my negativity and still manages to love me and help me through.

By the age of 11 I started experimenting with starving myself, up until I was 16 I would go on binges and not eat for 3 days at a time.

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These past few months have been the lowest I have ever gotten and it really scares me. I am usually able to bounce back from these "episodes" usually within a week or so. It's not that I get over it or recover but I just simply bury it deep down inside and try not to think about it, not the best coping mechanism I know but it works for me so I run with it.

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Unfortunately lately as much as I tried to bury the negative thoughts and feelings one way or another it has resurfaced, and I felt myself spiraling into a deeper depression than I had ever felt. It had scared me enough that I had started to open up about it in order to hold myself somewhat accountable from doing something I would regret. When I started to open up on social media about my depression it started off with 1. Wanting to let others know they were alone but at the same time be reminded that I too wasn't alone in the way I felt. 2. Hold myself accountable for what I was feeling and actually dealing with it because I knew holding it in wasn't cutting it anymore. Once I opened up though I quickly started to panic, all of a sudden I kept thinking about how everyone would view me. I knew there were going to be people who viewed my statuses as me just seeking attention, being ungrateful for my life, or like I was complaining, some would tell me to just get over it, to just simply change or not think that way and others would be overly worried and push me to seek help. In the back of my mind I tried to remind myself that it might help others but I was feeling way too vulnerable and started seeing statuses that I knew weren't aimed at me but would start over thinking it and again I started to hate the decision I made, and think of how stupid I was for opening up. I ended up deactivating my Facebook for a day and a half to just separate myself from feeling down among other reasons. 

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Everything started really taking a toll on me because now everything was on the surface, I had opened up my gates fully without first figuring out how to cope with it all. I had previously tried to go on antidepressant which I found out I was allergic to the next day, and had discussed talking to a therapist with my husband but I felt scared to talk to someone I didn't know plus part of me just felt like I wasn't worth the effort. I pushed my husband away and tried to convince him that we should get separated because I was dragging him and the boys down and they deserved so much more. Every night I would wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up again because I would stop feeling this way and everyone would be better off. Deep down I knew I could never take my life. I was so selfish for ever wanting to die because my boys needed me and I couldn't do that to the people I loved.

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Someone recently reached out to me and reminded me how powerful prayer is. I decided to open myself self up to God and talk to him through prayer like I use to when I felt lost. Little by little I started to realize that my life, my feelings, my future is all in my hands. I can't sit here just self loathing and breaking myself down more, I need to change, I need to take the steps toward recovery. When I say recovery it doesn't mean it can take a magic pill and poof I will be cured of depression, or I can just rid the negative thoughts from my mind and stop feeling this way. My depression will always be there but I have the choice to give into my negativity or figure out a way of coping, decide to start trying to love life again, to be happy and move forward. I started taking those first steps and sat down with my husband to talk things out, we realized that I need to find closure from the event that triggered me into my downward spiral. That I need to be completely open with him when thoughts of self harm come to my mind no matter how insignificant it may seem to me, and I need to make the effort to try and change the way I view myself and try to love who I am as a person, flaws and all. It is all easier said than done but I have to try to change not only for myself but for myself son's because they need their mother, I want to be around and present to watch them grow up. I want to be my best self for them, to help them when they need me and the only way I can do that is to move forward, get help and be open to change.

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I obviously am no expert on mental health or dealing with depression, this is simply my personal story and experience with this disease. I know how lonely it can feel and how exhausting it can be but our lives are so much more than this, we have have the strength within us to overcome our obstacles. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, seek help. It only takes one bad thought, one mistake that you can't undo. I know the struggle of trying to balance your life, trying to deal with it and knowing that someone simply can say the wrong thing to trigger all these negative thoughts. You are not alone in this, you don't have to be scared, because there is always something to live for. For some, it hasn't gotten to that point and you might be feeling down, hopeless, you have lost confidence in your self or just simply feel numb. Just because you think it's not worth bothering someone or its something you can deal with on your own, you should still talk to someone, a friend or family member. It helps to open up and get things off your chest no matter how small or insignificant you think they might be. If you don't deal with those feelings now they will sit there and fester until they manifest themselves into worst thoughts that you might not be able to cope with so easily. I am also available to listen and talk, just send me an email at jollettemerinophotography@gmail.com and I promise to get back to you as soon as I can. A big hug from me to you, support and love one another, spread positivity and have another great day.

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Jowell turns 3 today, reminiscing about his birth

Today my little munchkin is turning 3, it's amazing how much he has grown. He is such an amazing little boy, he is funny, witty, sweet, kind, and sometimes a little tough. He has changed so much through out the years but i can still recall the day he was born. 

I remember three years ago after going in for a baby check my OB had a worried look on her face and she told me she would be right back, rushed to the phone and later returned and said I had to go to the hospital in Danville immediately. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, she said it's ok they just need to monitor the baby to make sure he is doing ok. I had just hit 31 weeks but I felt like part of my body was huge, my feet and ankles had been completely swollen my face and eyes were puffy, I remember that I kept getting headaches and seeing spots of light in my vision. I had heard the word preeclampsia thrown around here and there but I had no idea what it was or how serious it could be for both me and my little baby. Me and Louis didn't pack anything for the hospital since we assumed we would only be there and hour or two, part of me knew something was wrong but I was in denial so I turned to Louis in the car and asked "do you think we'll have the baby today? Or you excited or scared?" He just looked at me grabbed my hand because he knew how anxious I was and said "everything will be fine, god is watching over us."

After driving for 2 1/2 hours we finally got to the hospital we went to where the OB was but they said they didn't get a call from the doctor for us. She made a few phone calls and said "oh you're suppose to go to labor and delivery. Me and Louis froze a bit and Louis whispered to me "shit just got real...why are we going to labor and delivery, maybe we might have the baby today." So we went to the elevator and were welcomed by a nurse who told us to settle in because we had to spend the night. 

We got settled in, I changed into a hospital gown and sat on the bed. My palms were sweaty and they started to shake a little. "I really hope everything is ok" I said to Louis. He told me everything will be ok, our son is a fighter and his mother is even stronger. 

The nurses came back in and they were so sweet to us, they could see how nervous we were, at the time I was only 20 and Louis was 21, we had no idea what was going on. The nurse strapped a blood pressure cuff on me and told me she set it to check my blood pressure every 30 minutes, she said if they look ok we could go home tomorrow but if I get two high reading in a row I would have to stay there for the remainder of my pregnancy. I tried my hardest to relax but I could feel my heart about to jump out of my chest which I assume didn't help much with my BP levels. The first two were high but not in the range that they would be alarmed, but by 10pm that night my BP started to rise, the nurse said she was going to get the doctor so he could talk to us and let us know what was going on. 

He explained that my blood pressure was extremely high and I had preeclampsia, they had to keep me there for the remainder of the pregnancy and hopefully they wouldn't have to deliver me early and that way it would give my baby a chance to develop more. They put me on a magnesium drip which is absolutely dreadful, they put these weird socks on me along with a machine that would massage my legs to prevent me from developing any blood clots since I would no longer be allowed to get up once on magnesium because i might fall since it makes you extremely dizzy. 

The next day they had told us that they were going to give me an ultrasound to check that the baby was doing ok. They also started steroid injections to develop Jowell's lungs incase he did have to be delivered early {those burned soooo bad, it really sucked}. When we finally went for our ultrasound the technician seemed concerned but said that the doctor would discuss it with us. So we went back to our room and waited for the doctor. He had told us that my placenta had stopped giving Jowell nutrition and that has stopped growing so he was on the small side, he said if we would have waited to go to the hospital there was a chance he would have been still born. They said they will wait till the end of the week to deliver him so that he can develop his lungs more. 

The next day we went for another ultrasound and the doctors came back in and told us that we were going to deliver him in two days because he wasn't growing anymore so there was no use in waiting, plus my blood pressure wasn't going down and the only way to cure preeclampsia is to deliver the baby. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Me and Louis kept praying that Jowell would come out healthy. 

Unfortunatly the next day when we woke up we were greeted by the doctors again, they said they had been monitoring the baby and my BP and they feel that the best course of action would be to deliver him that night. I didn't know what to say of how to feel. Everything was happening so quickly. I wasn't allowed to eat that day because they would deliver him via cesarean. We called our family to let them know and my mom insisted that they come, my cousin who was also my sons god mother also said she was going to come that night. We waited patiently but we were about to have a baby and we couldn't contain ourselves. I was still extremely out of it because of the magnesium so I couldn't fully digest what was going to happen. 

When my parents, cousin and uncle arrived you could tell that my cousin had been crying. She gave me a huge hug. They had been there only a few minutes before the nurse came in and told us we would be going to the OR soon. My mother started to cry now, I knew it was a scary moment but I had to be strong for my baby, I knew everything would be ok. I told them not to cry and that I would be back soon with a newborn baby. I gave everyone a hug and I was carted out of the room. We head into the OR and I see all these nurses and about 3 doctors. My nurse stayed with me the whole time and held my hand while they gave me the epidural. As is set in I felt like my body was freezing, and I started to get nervous. They set up the sheets and we waited for Louis to come in. Dressed in scrubs Louis walks in the room with a camera and gives me a kids on the forehead, he was just as nervous as I was and he kept biting his lip. "Ok Jollette do you feel this?" They were checking to make sure my anesthesia was working. "Ok we are going to get started" I held Louis's hand, we started talking about random things to try and get my mind off of what was happening. Suddenly I felt myself start to trembled and my lips started quivering, it was a reaction the the anesthesia. I slowly started to feel nauseous also and quickly told Louis to tell the nurse I was about to blow chunks, she grabbed me a bowl and I started gagging. I kept apologizing and she said it was ok. It's normal and a lot of people react that way. I started to get sleepy, not because I was dying but because I could hardly get any sleep while I was in the hospital but Louis started to get scared and told me I had to stay awake. I told him I just wanted to sleep, but he refused to let me. At 10:10pm the doctors told me "Ok Jollette you are going to feel some pressure now, this baby pushed himself into your ribcage" and suddenly I felt like my belly had just dropped. The nurses quickly took Jowell to the warming station. I couldn't see anything but I also hadn't heard a cry yet. I started freaking out "how is he, how is my baby...Louis is he ok? What does he look like? Wait why isn't he crying? I don't hear him crying. What's happening, is he ok! Louis tell me what's happening?!" He tried to calm me but right then we finally heard him start to cry. Our little baby boy entered this world and it was the most amazing feeling to know that he was ok. He was 3 pounds 4 ounces and only 14 inches long. 

Louis asked if he could take a picture but as soon as he got up the NICU nurses were rushing out of the room with him. Our nurse told us that he had stopped breathing and they needed to bring him into the NICU to attach him to the CPAP until his lungs were strong enough to breath on their own. I cried a little because i didn't know if he would be ok and I didn't get a chance to see my son before he was whisked off, what if I never get to him him in my arms, what if his lungs were too under developed? I told Louis to go and see if Jowell was all right. 

After they stitched me back up an wheeled me back into the room I felt exhausted. I was still numb so I wasn't in pain but I was so worried for Jowell. Louis, my parents and my uncle went to the NICU to see if they could see Jowell but the NICU nurse said that they were still getting him set up so only Louis was able to go in to see him quickly and snap a photo for me. When he came back to the room and showed me the picture that he took of Jowell. He was so tiny, but you could hardly see his face because he had so many tubes attached to him. Before I had Jowell I pictured meeting my first born as a magical moment, but I wasnt allowed to see him until the next day. 

The next morning I woke up and I could already feel the soreness from my insisson sight. I was told that I still wasn't allowed to get up from bed because I had to still be on magnesium for two more days plus it would be difficult for me to walk because of my c-section. I insisted on trying to stand up anyway, I wanted to see my baby no matter how much pain I was in. So I told Louis to help me up so I could go to the NICU. He knew it was a bad idea but he helped me up anyway. I could feel the dried blood rip from my skin where my stitches were and it felt like at any moment my stitches would rip open when I tried to stand up right but I bit through the pain and tried making my way to the door. The nurse came in and quickly ordered me back into bed. She told me she would cart my bed to the NICU so I could see Jowell. 

As we came to the NICU doors I was so giddy to finally see Jowell. Louis told me Jowell was all the way towards the back of the room. We passed a couple who was holding their tiny preemie in their arms, the mother wasn't dressed in a hospital gown and I wondered how long her baby had been in here or when she would finally be able to bring her home. I wondered how long we would be here, how long before me and my little one could snuggle together in our home. When they pulled me up beside his incubator my heart skipped a beat. He was so tiny, tinier than what the pictures made him seem. He had tubes and wires all around his face and body but he was perfect in my eyes. My little munchkin was beautiful, and precious, and amazing and most of all he was alive and healthy. I was so scared to touch him but his nurse told me he was sturdier than he looked. She told us that he would be able to come off his CPAP by the end of the day and that he was a little fighter. When she placed him in my hands I didn't know what to do with myself, it was so surreal that he was my son, the little baby I had been holding in my belly for 7 months. He was my little miracle baby and I was so blessed to have him. We spent the next 28 days in the Ronald McDonald house near the hospital. I would pump atleast 3 bags of milk a day for Jowell and little by little he grew bigger and stronger. When we finally left the hospital to bring him home he was only 4 lbs 14oz but he was so healthy so the doctors have us the go ahead to go home. 

I am so blessed to have that little man in my life, he has taught me so much about being a good mother and has shown me how to be strong. Happy birthday Jowell Luciano Del Valle, we love you! 

Running on no sleep, also Lennox turned three months today!

Last night an amazing thing happened, both the boys were in bed asleep by 11pm which never happens. Unfortunately I decided it was a better idea to surf through Pinterest (pin all the things!!!) and I let time get away from me and before I knew it, it was 5:30am. I finally ended up falling asleep around 6:20am but since the boys fell asleep so early the night before they both woke up by 7:30am...just my luck. They were both extra energetic so there was no way for me to try and coax them back to sleep for a few hours. The gloominess didn't help the fact that I was so tired but it's way better than getting more snow. I also had the sniffles, I wasn't sure if I was getting a cold or it was just allergies but my I had to have a tissue with me at all time because I couldn't stop sneezing. 

I decided it was time to pull out the brewer cone I bought last week so I can make myself a cup of coffee (which I hardly ever drink because I'm so sensitive to caffeine) and let me tell you, that one cup of coffee had me wired for half of the day! Me and Jowell watched Frozen and he insisted that I take a bunch of pictures of him. His favorite photo reminds me to the Step Brothers movie poster. 

All day today he was running around karate chopping everything and yelling that he was a ninja. He also really started warming up to his brother and while I was washing dishes he was busy having a whole conversation with his brother. Thankfully since Jowell woke up early he ended up knocking out on the couch around 2:30pm.

Since today Lennox turned three months it was time to take some nice pictures. I can't believe that three short months ago I was walking around my house trying to coax this little guy out. Our tiny baby is now a very chubby 3 month old infant.

This little guy has found his little voice and is now yelling and talking gibberish to us when ever he see's us. 

By this point he was getting sleepy but was fighting it so bad. He was just in a complete daze. I figured nursing him would help him fall asleep but every time he would start to drift off he would suddenly wake back up and be full of energy again.

Finally after walking around and rocking him back and forth he finally fell asleep and I couldn't resist taking more picture of this little cutie sleeping so peacefully. 

Louis came home a little after Lennox fell asleep, then Jowell woke up shortly after. I was in full crash mode by this point and I had realized that I hadn't eaten anything but a croissant the whole day. Poor Louis had to deal with the "dragon lady" (he calls me that when I get really snippy with him) and what made it worse was that I was not just tired but hangry. Louis offered to pick up some Chinese food so I didn't have to cook and I was so grateful but it didn't help the fact that I was so exhausted and it was definitely catching up to me. The problem was I was tired but still had a small buzz from the caffeine (I told you I'm extremely sensitive to caffeine, ever since I got pregnant with Lennox drinking a cup of coffee for me was like the equivalent of a person drinking 6 cups of coffee), Louis told me to go take a hot shower to try and relax a little. So I hopped in the shower, blasted some music and took my sweet time. I have to admit it was really nice not having to rush out of the shower or taking it at a normal time instead of having to wait to take one in the middle of the night after everyone is asleep. I also figured I might as well shave my legs since they started resembling Wookie legs (don't judge me, I feel like there was no point since it was cold and no one would see my legs but Louis, and he didn't really care). It was so nice to take the time to really pamper myself. When I got out Louis was trying to convince me yet again to go out to dinner with him (he always suggests it on the most inconvenient days, but he says he does it because he knows I need a break from the kids), I was way to tired to try to make myself look pretty and put on some real pants to go out (I literally live in sweat pants) so I promised him I would go out with him tomorrow night. Thankfully my parents offered to watch the boys, my only worry is that I exclusively breastfeed Lennox and he hasn't used a bottle since he was 1 month old, but my older sister will be there to help my parents if Lennox gets too fussy. 

After I got dressed I started loading the pictures onto the computer to edit them and Louis went to go get the Chinese food. I was so tired that I ended up falling asleep at the computer and Louis had to wake me up so I could go lay down for a little bit. I really don't remember the last time I was that tired. Thankfully after having a small nap and some food in my belly I feel a lot better. I think it might be a good idea to stay away from the caffeine for a while and try not to get sucked into Pinterest (easier said than done ).