My Hidden Struggle

*Trigger Warning*
This can be a trigger for anyone that is dealing/dealt with depression or has had suicidal thoughts. If you need help or someone to talk to there are many outlets such as the suicide prevention lifeline 1 (800) 273 8255 , you can chat online with someone at remedylive.com or reach out to someone you know and ask for help.
 

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I know my blog is usually filled with yummy recipes and happy posts but this is something I think is important to discuss. Writing it out has been like a therapy to me, and I have been sitting here trying to decide if I should publish it or not. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have tried to write this post, or how many times I wrote it all out to just go back and delete it before I could publish it. I am terrified to open myself fully and I know that there is a possibility for many to look at me in negative light I am hoping that this may help someone that is going through a similar situation. For them to know they are not alone in this.

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For a long time I have dealt with this and it has manifested it's self in many ways throughout my life, from binges of anorexia, cutting, and self sabotage to suicide attempts it has followed me throughout my life. There have been good days and bad, on my good days I'm great and I love life but on my bad days I can't seem to pull myself out of this whirl pool of self hate. An average person would probably be able to get over a situation or feelings fairly easily but for me, things stick with me, and I don't mean criticism or anything, I can take criticism no problem but it's something else, something deeper, it's hard to explain but what I can say is when is start to feel a certain way it is like a dark little seed in the pit of me that gets a little negativity water and that seed sprouts and spreads it's quick growing vines all throughout me slowly suffocating me. The feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anger, and disgust is all that I can think. It's like any sense of joy quickly gets smothered in all the negativity clouding my brain. I don't like people seeing that part of me because my friends and family that know me usually only see the happy go lucky part of me, the positive, life loving mother of two that married her childhood sweet heart and who has it all together and uplifts others. I would hate to disappoint them or worry them by letting them see that ugly part of me. The only person who has witnessed how much it has truly taken a hold of me is my husband. To which I am very grateful and thankful to have him there with me because he has seen me at my absolute lowest and has more than a few times taken the brunt of my negativity and still manages to love me and help me through.

By the age of 11 I started experimenting with starving myself, up until I was 16 I would go on binges and not eat for 3 days at a time.

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These past few months have been the lowest I have ever gotten and it really scares me. I am usually able to bounce back from these "episodes" usually within a week or so. It's not that I get over it or recover but I just simply bury it deep down inside and try not to think about it, not the best coping mechanism I know but it works for me so I run with it.

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Unfortunately lately as much as I tried to bury the negative thoughts and feelings one way or another it has resurfaced, and I felt myself spiraling into a deeper depression than I had ever felt. It had scared me enough that I had started to open up about it in order to hold myself somewhat accountable from doing something I would regret. When I started to open up on social media about my depression it started off with 1. Wanting to let others know they were alone but at the same time be reminded that I too wasn't alone in the way I felt. 2. Hold myself accountable for what I was feeling and actually dealing with it because I knew holding it in wasn't cutting it anymore. Once I opened up though I quickly started to panic, all of a sudden I kept thinking about how everyone would view me. I knew there were going to be people who viewed my statuses as me just seeking attention, being ungrateful for my life, or like I was complaining, some would tell me to just get over it, to just simply change or not think that way and others would be overly worried and push me to seek help. In the back of my mind I tried to remind myself that it might help others but I was feeling way too vulnerable and started seeing statuses that I knew weren't aimed at me but would start over thinking it and again I started to hate the decision I made, and think of how stupid I was for opening up. I ended up deactivating my Facebook for a day and a half to just separate myself from feeling down among other reasons. 

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Everything started really taking a toll on me because now everything was on the surface, I had opened up my gates fully without first figuring out how to cope with it all. I had previously tried to go on antidepressant which I found out I was allergic to the next day, and had discussed talking to a therapist with my husband but I felt scared to talk to someone I didn't know plus part of me just felt like I wasn't worth the effort. I pushed my husband away and tried to convince him that we should get separated because I was dragging him and the boys down and they deserved so much more. Every night I would wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up again because I would stop feeling this way and everyone would be better off. Deep down I knew I could never take my life. I was so selfish for ever wanting to die because my boys needed me and I couldn't do that to the people I loved.

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Someone recently reached out to me and reminded me how powerful prayer is. I decided to open myself self up to God and talk to him through prayer like I use to when I felt lost. Little by little I started to realize that my life, my feelings, my future is all in my hands. I can't sit here just self loathing and breaking myself down more, I need to change, I need to take the steps toward recovery. When I say recovery it doesn't mean it can take a magic pill and poof I will be cured of depression, or I can just rid the negative thoughts from my mind and stop feeling this way. My depression will always be there but I have the choice to give into my negativity or figure out a way of coping, decide to start trying to love life again, to be happy and move forward. I started taking those first steps and sat down with my husband to talk things out, we realized that I need to find closure from the event that triggered me into my downward spiral. That I need to be completely open with him when thoughts of self harm come to my mind no matter how insignificant it may seem to me, and I need to make the effort to try and change the way I view myself and try to love who I am as a person, flaws and all. It is all easier said than done but I have to try to change not only for myself but for myself son's because they need their mother, I want to be around and present to watch them grow up. I want to be my best self for them, to help them when they need me and the only way I can do that is to move forward, get help and be open to change.

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I obviously am no expert on mental health or dealing with depression, this is simply my personal story and experience with this disease. I know how lonely it can feel and how exhausting it can be but our lives are so much more than this, we have have the strength within us to overcome our obstacles. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, seek help. It only takes one bad thought, one mistake that you can't undo. I know the struggle of trying to balance your life, trying to deal with it and knowing that someone simply can say the wrong thing to trigger all these negative thoughts. You are not alone in this, you don't have to be scared, because there is always something to live for. For some, it hasn't gotten to that point and you might be feeling down, hopeless, you have lost confidence in your self or just simply feel numb. Just because you think it's not worth bothering someone or its something you can deal with on your own, you should still talk to someone, a friend or family member. It helps to open up and get things off your chest no matter how small or insignificant you think they might be. If you don't deal with those feelings now they will sit there and fester until they manifest themselves into worst thoughts that you might not be able to cope with so easily. I am also available to listen and talk, just send me an email at jollettemerinophotography@gmail.com and I promise to get back to you as soon as I can. A big hug from me to you, support and love one another, spread positivity and have another great day.

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