My Hidden Struggle

*Trigger Warning*
This can be a trigger for anyone that is dealing/dealt with depression or has had suicidal thoughts. If you need help or someone to talk to there are many outlets such as the suicide prevention lifeline 1 (800) 273 8255 , you can chat online with someone at remedylive.com or reach out to someone you know and ask for help.
 

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I know my blog is usually filled with yummy recipes and happy posts but this is something I think is important to discuss. Writing it out has been like a therapy to me, and I have been sitting here trying to decide if I should publish it or not. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have tried to write this post, or how many times I wrote it all out to just go back and delete it before I could publish it. I am terrified to open myself fully and I know that there is a possibility for many to look at me in negative light I am hoping that this may help someone that is going through a similar situation. For them to know they are not alone in this.

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For a long time I have dealt with this and it has manifested it's self in many ways throughout my life, from binges of anorexia, cutting, and self sabotage to suicide attempts it has followed me throughout my life. There have been good days and bad, on my good days I'm great and I love life but on my bad days I can't seem to pull myself out of this whirl pool of self hate. An average person would probably be able to get over a situation or feelings fairly easily but for me, things stick with me, and I don't mean criticism or anything, I can take criticism no problem but it's something else, something deeper, it's hard to explain but what I can say is when is start to feel a certain way it is like a dark little seed in the pit of me that gets a little negativity water and that seed sprouts and spreads it's quick growing vines all throughout me slowly suffocating me. The feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anger, and disgust is all that I can think. It's like any sense of joy quickly gets smothered in all the negativity clouding my brain. I don't like people seeing that part of me because my friends and family that know me usually only see the happy go lucky part of me, the positive, life loving mother of two that married her childhood sweet heart and who has it all together and uplifts others. I would hate to disappoint them or worry them by letting them see that ugly part of me. The only person who has witnessed how much it has truly taken a hold of me is my husband. To which I am very grateful and thankful to have him there with me because he has seen me at my absolute lowest and has more than a few times taken the brunt of my negativity and still manages to love me and help me through.

By the age of 11 I started experimenting with starving myself, up until I was 16 I would go on binges and not eat for 3 days at a time.

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These past few months have been the lowest I have ever gotten and it really scares me. I am usually able to bounce back from these "episodes" usually within a week or so. It's not that I get over it or recover but I just simply bury it deep down inside and try not to think about it, not the best coping mechanism I know but it works for me so I run with it.

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Unfortunately lately as much as I tried to bury the negative thoughts and feelings one way or another it has resurfaced, and I felt myself spiraling into a deeper depression than I had ever felt. It had scared me enough that I had started to open up about it in order to hold myself somewhat accountable from doing something I would regret. When I started to open up on social media about my depression it started off with 1. Wanting to let others know they were alone but at the same time be reminded that I too wasn't alone in the way I felt. 2. Hold myself accountable for what I was feeling and actually dealing with it because I knew holding it in wasn't cutting it anymore. Once I opened up though I quickly started to panic, all of a sudden I kept thinking about how everyone would view me. I knew there were going to be people who viewed my statuses as me just seeking attention, being ungrateful for my life, or like I was complaining, some would tell me to just get over it, to just simply change or not think that way and others would be overly worried and push me to seek help. In the back of my mind I tried to remind myself that it might help others but I was feeling way too vulnerable and started seeing statuses that I knew weren't aimed at me but would start over thinking it and again I started to hate the decision I made, and think of how stupid I was for opening up. I ended up deactivating my Facebook for a day and a half to just separate myself from feeling down among other reasons. 

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Everything started really taking a toll on me because now everything was on the surface, I had opened up my gates fully without first figuring out how to cope with it all. I had previously tried to go on antidepressant which I found out I was allergic to the next day, and had discussed talking to a therapist with my husband but I felt scared to talk to someone I didn't know plus part of me just felt like I wasn't worth the effort. I pushed my husband away and tried to convince him that we should get separated because I was dragging him and the boys down and they deserved so much more. Every night I would wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up again because I would stop feeling this way and everyone would be better off. Deep down I knew I could never take my life. I was so selfish for ever wanting to die because my boys needed me and I couldn't do that to the people I loved.

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Someone recently reached out to me and reminded me how powerful prayer is. I decided to open myself self up to God and talk to him through prayer like I use to when I felt lost. Little by little I started to realize that my life, my feelings, my future is all in my hands. I can't sit here just self loathing and breaking myself down more, I need to change, I need to take the steps toward recovery. When I say recovery it doesn't mean it can take a magic pill and poof I will be cured of depression, or I can just rid the negative thoughts from my mind and stop feeling this way. My depression will always be there but I have the choice to give into my negativity or figure out a way of coping, decide to start trying to love life again, to be happy and move forward. I started taking those first steps and sat down with my husband to talk things out, we realized that I need to find closure from the event that triggered me into my downward spiral. That I need to be completely open with him when thoughts of self harm come to my mind no matter how insignificant it may seem to me, and I need to make the effort to try and change the way I view myself and try to love who I am as a person, flaws and all. It is all easier said than done but I have to try to change not only for myself but for myself son's because they need their mother, I want to be around and present to watch them grow up. I want to be my best self for them, to help them when they need me and the only way I can do that is to move forward, get help and be open to change.

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I obviously am no expert on mental health or dealing with depression, this is simply my personal story and experience with this disease. I know how lonely it can feel and how exhausting it can be but our lives are so much more than this, we have have the strength within us to overcome our obstacles. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, seek help. It only takes one bad thought, one mistake that you can't undo. I know the struggle of trying to balance your life, trying to deal with it and knowing that someone simply can say the wrong thing to trigger all these negative thoughts. You are not alone in this, you don't have to be scared, because there is always something to live for. For some, it hasn't gotten to that point and you might be feeling down, hopeless, you have lost confidence in your self or just simply feel numb. Just because you think it's not worth bothering someone or its something you can deal with on your own, you should still talk to someone, a friend or family member. It helps to open up and get things off your chest no matter how small or insignificant you think they might be. If you don't deal with those feelings now they will sit there and fester until they manifest themselves into worst thoughts that you might not be able to cope with so easily. I am also available to listen and talk, just send me an email at jollettemerinophotography@gmail.com and I promise to get back to you as soon as I can. A big hug from me to you, support and love one another, spread positivity and have another great day.

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Seasoned tempura batter

It's been a while since I have gotten around to posting anything up, I think it's been a mix of life getting busy and me getting lazy but I think it's time for me to dust off my cob webs and get back to getting stuff done.

A while back I posted up a recipe for fried calamari, that is more of a crunchy coating and although I do still like it, it wasn't what you would typically get at a restaurant and I was really craving that sort of puffy coating on the calamari that still had the inside a little chewy and soft. I had used this tempura recipe before when replicating an appetizer I ordered from Blue Wasabi called angry chicken which was amazing and came with this delicious Sriracha dipping sauce. So I figured maybe it would work for the calamari but I wanted to add some seasoning to the batter so it would have flavor on its own without the dipping sauce. I decided to combine the original calamari recipe seasoning with the tempura recipe to get the best of both worlds and the result was absolutely delicious. Now although I don't like eating a lot of fried foods I wanted calamari sooo badly so I figured one night eating something fried wouldn't kill me. I absolutely love the puffy and flavorful coating on the outside and the nice soft yet chewy calamari on the inside. It was everything I was craving and more. Let's just say I was a very happy woman and my husband's belly was equally as happy.

Seasoned tempura batter

1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup cornstarch
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon sugar
2 teaspoons garlic powder
1 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon dried parsley
1 egg
2/3 cup ice water
Oil for frying
Calamari, chicken breast, veggies, or fish cut into bite size pieces or strips.

Our choice was calamari and red bell peppers because it has been a long time since we have had anything fried we didn't want to fry anything too heavy.

In a medium pot heat the frying oil on medium high heat. When the oil is hot enough you should see slight rippling in the oil.

In a small bowl mix all of the dry ingredients together and set aside.
In a medium sized bowl mix the egg and the ice water together, make sure the water is extremely cold, I like to place a couple of ice cubes in the cup then right before I mix it into the egg I remove the ice cubes and remeasure the 2/3 cup of water.

Whisk the dry ingredients into the wet until it is smooth and there are no big lumps. The mix will be thin so what ever you are using the batter for make sure it does not have alot of water on it.

Place the calamari into the tempura batter (or what ever food you are using)  and using chopsticks or a fork mix into the batter making sure it is fully coated. Now one by one remove the calamari from the batter and gently shake off any excess.

Now carefully place it into the hot oil, watch out for popping oil. Make sure that the oil is hot enough, this will make sure that the food gets fried quickly and makes the batter crunchy. If the oil isn't hot enough the coating will end up absorbing too much oil making it soggy which is yucky.

 Fry the calamari in small batches to keep the temperature of the oil from dropping too much and wait a minute or two between batches to let the temperature of the oil heat up again. Let cook 3-4 minutes making sure to turn the calamari over half way through to brown the other side. When they are done remove the calamari using using a slotted spoon and place on a plate lined with paper towels to absorb any excess oils.

 Serve while warm, you can squeeze some lemon over it and use ranch, marinara sauce or any dip of your liking.

Mothers Day Macarons from the Macaron Cafe

I received a lovely box of macarons for mothers day from the Macaron Cafe a few days ago and boy did it make my day. I have had quite the sweet tooth but unfortunately didn't have anything to suffice my craving, which is surprising since you can almost always guarantee that there will be some sort of baked good in my house but alas there was none to be found.

The arrival of the package also reminded me that mother's day is just a few short days away (May 10th in case you forgot to grab a gift for your mom, wife or friend) and it got me thinking about motherhood and all that it entails. I absolutely love being a mom to my two boys, they do drive me crazy a lot of the time but all of snuggles and hugs over powers that...most of the time. To me mothers should be celebrated year round for everything moms do. Motherhood can be tough sometimes we often get a lot of unsolicited advice from others on how to raise our children which can sometimes make us question our own abilities as moms. We can be hard on ourselves for the choices we make, for the loss of patience or the inability to juggle everything as gracefully as we would like. Its nice to know that the things we do are appreciated, that our children love us no matter how hard we can be on them because in our hearts we know that the love we have for our children knows no bounds. I know that when I was younger a lot of the times I would get so mad at my mom for not letting me do something or go somewhere, in my mind I thought she was just sabotaging my life but little did I know that everything she did, she did out of love, to protect me, to teach me. Now being a mom myself I make sure to mention how much I appreciate her and all that she did, because if it was not for her and my father I would not be the person I am today. We should all take a little time and let our mothers know how much we love and appreciated them, not just on mothers day. We should also support one another because we know just how hard it can be, I say this all the time, no matter the choices you make when raising your kids as long as you love them unconditionally and take time to spend with them you are a great mom.

Well now back to the deliciousness that was sent to me, the box had 6 different flavors that I was super excited to try. A card with the different flavors of macarons was included, which was nice because I was 100% sure which flavor was which. Of course being a mom I had to share my goodies with my little ones, they were super excited to have a nice treat to help them forget that they had a terrible cold. They both followed me around the house and Jowell kept telling me "Mom those look delicious and I cleaned up all the toys so can you please share!" and he didn't forget to mention that he is such a big boy and he cleaned it "Allll by myself!" complete with a very proud smile. So when I finally sat down to enjoy these sweet treats the boys made sure to make themselves comfortable on the couch.

Don't you just love how toddlers always manage to find the tiniest toy to stuff in their mouth and give you a heart attack.

Peanut butter & Jelly

The peanut butter & jelly macarons were Jowell's absolute favorite and told me that they were especially made for him since PB&J's are his favorite (he eats one almost every morning). This is your childhood PB&J but grown up, so you feel fancy eating it *pinkies up*

Milk Chocolate  Marshmallow

 Anything that has Chocolate and Marshmallow fluff is a win in my book, add in the sprinkles and its like a little party in your mouth. It also vaguely reminds me of a smore which is now making me want to roast some marshmallows, fire pit time!

Wedding Almond

 These were extremely soft and the almond flavor from the macaron cookie and the filling was heaven in my mouth.

Vanilla

 Every time I take a bite out of this I always say its just like eating vanilla ice cream with out the discomfort making my teeth hurt from the cold.

Coconut

 My husband wasn't home when me and the boys were snacking on the macarons but I had to make sure I saved him a coconut macaron and boy did it make him happy when he got home from work. 

Rose Lychee

When I first opened the box and smelled the lychee scent I was so excited to try it, being half Filipino there was always lychee in my house from the little jellies we got in one of those big jars to eating them straight out of the can when my mom would buy them. When I took a bite out of it the rose and lychee aroma instantly filled my nostrils and I seriously think they need to make a perfume with that scent because it is absolutely AMAZING!

Half way through eating the macarons Lennox decided to snatch it from Jowells hand right before he put it in his mouth and then just smiled as he ate it himself.

It was seriously such a treat to try the macarons from the Macaron Cafe, if you are interested in purchasing a box for mothers day or just as a treat you can visit their site at MacaronCafe.com, they ship nationwide or stop by one of their 4 shops in Manhattan. A big thanks to the Macaron Cafe for the much appreciated treat and my making Jowell and Lennox feel a little better.

A happy early mothers day to all the moms out there, whether you have children, have lost a child or are trying for a baby I wish all of you a happy mothers day. Lots of hugs and well wishes to you all!

Macarons from the Macaron Cafe

 This past weekend I not surprisingly caught my youngest son's cold. I completely jinxed myself by telling my husband how awesome it was that none of us have gotten sick since before Halloween, then BAM! it was like a chain reaction, Lennox started first with the sniffles, then me and now Jowell, the only one who thankfully hasn't caught this nasty cold is Louis {knock on wood}. We however were pleasantly surprised with a knock on our door from the FedEx guy while this cold wreaked havoc on us. Jowell was so excited, he kept asking me if Santa had sent him a gift, I explained to him that Santa was on vacation so he'd have to wait till December to get gifts from Santa again. When I opened the package there was the cutest little box with a mint colored ribbon and a note from my friend Naomi (Catherine) who works for the Macaron Cafe in New York. The little gift helped us get our minds off of feeling so...under the weather.

Macaron Cafe: 625 Madison Ave. Entrance on 34th street NYC

I loved all of the drawings on the box, I thought to myself {if the box is this pretty I cant wait to see the macarons on the inside} and boy were they pretty. I felt like I should be wearing a pretty dress, wearing white gloves and sipping on tea but I settled for sweat pants, a decent looking tee shirt and a mug of hot chocolate.
One thing that I do want to point out is that the French macaron should not be confused with the American macaroon, I admit that I had been spelling macaron wrong {I kept adding the extra O. I know, I should be ashamed of myself for spelling it wrong,} for the past few days until my sister pointed out my error. A macaron (pronounced mack-ah-rohn)  like the one in the pictures are made with almond meal, egg whites, sugar and come in a variety of colors/flavors, they are also pretty difficult to perfect. A macaroon (pronounced mack-ah-roon) are made with shredded coconut, egg whites and sugar. Now that we have that cleared up we can move forward.

Louis and Jowell were a little too eager to try the macarons with me, Jowell couldn't sit still and I saw Louis eying the coconut macaron. I was lucky that Lennox was napping or he might have devoured all of them, I can't lie I was pretty excited to try them as well.

Pistachio macaron, decorated with shamrocks for St Patrick's day

The pistachio macaron was adorned with a shamrock design for St Patrick's day, Jowell was so delighted with it, he said it was made for a leprechaun. The outside was so nice and crunchy but the inside was nice and chewy just like a macaron should be. The filling had a nice subtle pistachio taste with bits of actual pistachio in it, and the slight almond flavor of the macaron cookie complimented the pistachio filling well. We all agreed it was one of our top favorites.

Vanilla Macaron

The vanilla macaron was hand down amazing, it was like you took a scoop of vanilla bean ice cream, melted it a bit and sandwiched it between two crunchy but soft almond cookies. I was in love with this flavor, the little specks of vanilla bean in the filling made it feel more like a cone of vanilla ice cream.

Dark Chocolate Macaron

"Yum it taste like chocolate milk" was the first thing Jowell said after taking a bite of the dark chocolate macaron. He was all smiles after this one, and it was so delicious. With it having a dark chocolate filling you would think it might have the slight bitterness that dark chocolate usually has but it was actually quite delicate on the tongue. It was nice and smooth, and just like Jowell said, it reminds me of a glass of chocolate milk.

Coconut Macaron

The coconut macaron was so soft it literally just melts in your mouth. This one was Louis's absolute favorite because it reminded him of Puerto Rico. The coconut flakes surrounding the coconut filling gave it a nice texture. It was sweet but not overly sweet, I cant say enough good things about this one.

Nutella Macaron

We all enjoyed this nutella macaron a lot, nutella anything is a win to me but the little caramel bits sent it over the edge. I wish I had ten more of this flavor, its like a creamy ferrero rocher. Louis said it's actually better than regular nutella because the chocolate flavor isn't overly strong so you can taste the hazelnut and caramel in the filling better.

Matcha Green Tea

I have never actually tried matcha green tea so I wasn't sure what to expect from the matcha green tea macaron. I always drink regular green tea but matcha green tea is a very concentrated form of green tea which means its backed full of vitamins and minerals. I was the first one to take a bite since Louis got nervous when he heard the word "tea" {he's weird about tea and refuses to drink any type}. To my surprise it was not very sweet which is a nice break from the normal type of macaron. You could definitely taste the green tea, and Louis said "it tastes minty with out the mint". Jowell really enjoyed it and kept asking to take more bites.

Jowell was sad when they were all done

If you want to purchase some of these delicious macarons you can visit one of their four locations in New York or if you aren't in the area you can order online and they will be shipped right to your door. They also offer non pastry items at their restaurant if you are in the mood for something savory you can check out their menu here. I don't often travel down to New York but I think I might venture down to the city just to get my macaron fix and I'm excited to try more of their different flavors.

We really enjoyed the macarons and want to thank Catherine Ford for sending us a box, and we also want to thank the Macron Cafe for making such delicious macarons!